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| As a child, my house and my home were one and the same. At once it was my sanctuary and were I slept, ate, and even learned some of the best life lessons, like how to ride a bike, how to avoid capture when you are completely disregarding your schooling.
That changed as I awkwardly found my way into my high school years. My parents relationship (although I did not know it at the time) was well on its was to the dark abyss, and I felt that. School was not much better. I more often than not felt deeply out of place at Bay View, the private all girls school I attended. I always felt like I was seeing the world completely differently than those around me. I am a strongly expressed extrovert, and yet out of a class of almost 400, I had three friends.
Within the Church I found friends and more importantly I found ministry, serving week after week in the homeless shelter. There among the homeless, the drunk, and unwashed, and insane, I found that sense of belonging, (how apt I know.) They were the beautiful ones, they were my home.
When I was put into public school in 11th grade, it was a fantastic difference from Bay View, and to a significant extent I felt like I belonged there. I was friends with most of my class, and much of the senior class as well. I found joy acceptance and praise in the art classes where skills I had always played around with were beginning to develop into real artistry. I remember the first time I used acrylic paint, it was heaven. There was always a feeling of slight separation but I never felt like I was out of place the way I had felt at Bay View
This also helped with the transition to having to go to a new church, which meant that I had to say goodbye to the homeless shelter ministry. And although I tried to both rally a group to go, or even go alone, I never made it back there more than possibly once or twice after I switched churches.
Senior year my parents split up. This brought the growing undercurrent of instability up to the surface, and more than ever, I clung to the meager sense of belonging I felt at school. This sense gave away as the gap brought on my parents deepened.
I graduated and gratefully left behind both my family and RI.
That next year I spent at Teen Mania, which was I think the first time I felt that sense of home that I had lost since childhood. There was a rightness to it. And for all of Teen Mania good and bad, I never saw it as a cult or christian training ground, or even most of the time a ministry. It was my family, going five hundred strong.
when I was there even the sky above me felt as comforting as the fluffy blankets my mom used to tuck me in with.
However, the Teen Mania of my year disappeared at graduation and I was alone, apart from phone calls made in desperation to friends who had stayed behind when I could not.
At the end of the year, despite all my best attempts to avoid it, I went back to RI, back to my family, back to the black hole.
The next two years brought an often inexpressible sense of being out of place, of just being not right. The only place where I made sense was in my art and in my film. And even though I went back into ministry, my year at Teen Mania had shaped me into something that does not mesh well with New England spirituality. I was always clashing with others, even other Christians.
There was more heartbreak, pain and lack of belonging in those two years than I can begin to explain.
I left as soon as I could.
and England opened its arms like a mother I had never and yet always known. I felt home there, in my school, and in my church. My friends were deep and caring. I thrived and never wanted to leave. I rode out the 7 months in a flash. I enjoyed and treasured every moment.
But then it was gone. And I was back in America, looking over there, trying to see a way to get back. My final senior semester I got to go back to England, back home, and although things had changed remarkably since I had been gone, it was also almost like I had never left.
I was there just 4 short months, and I knew how short that time was.
Once again I am back in RI. There are no open doors here, and I feel without knowing that if I tried to go back to England now, I would not be going home. Things have changed there, friends have graduated and moved away, I would not be in school, I would be looking for work, and although there is more than enough reason to try and go back anyways, I think the specialness of my study abroad terms will not return with me.
This summer I was for a month at least, properly homeless. And even now, I dont feel like I belong here, or anywhere I am.To quote Jon Foreman, "Home is no longer a place I can get to by train."
I don't know why others can just be, and be happy.
I find flashes of it in some friendships, in moments at church, even a time or two hanging out with my family. but this sense of "being a people without a land" wears on me.
I am the Isrealites wandering the desert.
The most profound sense of home I can find these days is here in this song:
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow,
no turning back.
and that is said with a tired and weakened faith... but that is all I have, and I am going to believe that he is enough to manage the rest.
To my last breath, even when I want to give up which is so much of the time, he is all I have, and despite me being a sinner, God is the one place I can call home.
I wish his arms were more tangible, and I wish more people walked this path with me. And although I feel alone in my faith even when around other Christians, I have a rock who has clung to me, when I almost let go and that may just be the closest thing I have to a home on this side of eternity.
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| Disney movies are a major part of my childhood. I can quote them extensively. However, lately I have been thinking about a few of these films a bit more critically, and I keep finding more questions than answers in their intrinsic forms.
First of all, in films like Robin Hood and The Little Mermaid, are they cannibals or vegetarians?
In Robin Hood, every creature large and small, is an anthropomorphic human representation... Do they eat their neighbors? I mean, even mice and bunnies are not just sentient but in many times "good guys" whose moral choices drive the narrative. Is Robin Hood a vegetarian? Or did some other poor bunny's birthday party end with a much different surprise?
In The Little Mermaid, there are humans most of which are shown eating fish, crabs, etc. However, when Ariel becomes fully human, does she partake of seafood as well? Does she tastefully decline? In the Ocean, the only person who is shown eating is Ursula and she is eating small sea creatures with eyes that would indicate intelligence and feeling, or at least the feeling of fear, and an understanding of what is about to befall them. But what of the sea king and his mermaid daughters? Do they eat their friends?
I suppose they could eat things like mollusks which have no central nervous system, and are considered by some to be the "sea harvest," but what about the clams in the "Under da Sea" song? they show signs of intelligence and musicallity... Do they just eat a lot of Kelp?
Then onto matters not just of diet but politics...
In the Lion King, Scar is demonized and portrayed in an almost Hitler-like fashion in one scene, (and even better, watch it in German) and yet his rule was one marked not by genocide but over population. The Pride Land was overrun and over-grazed. The renewable resources were not enough to sustain a full Lion Pride as well as a large Hyena pack. Scar apparently did not understand the concepts of simple economics.
But then Simba comes back ("he's alive!") and takes back Pride Rock, and in a very simplistic cross fade, suddenly the land has been renewed.
I understand from a child-friendly stand point how having scenes of Simba beginning his career as King by actively thinning the overpopulation of carnivorous creatures is probably not effective, especially seeing as Simba has been established as the laid back surfer-dude type. How does he go about killing off the overpopulation? It isn't like an eviction notice will do... It is the African Plains... Doesn't he have to kill off many, many creatures to re-establish the balance, the Circle of Life?
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| In editing films there are a some various styles of cutting that are taught and executed.
One style is "Parallel Editing" which can defined as "Inter-cutting between two simultaneous stories or scenes to give the two scenes meaning and power that on their own, they would not posses."
This is a link to an incredible example of parallel editing. I love it. I can watch it all day. The pace, the rhythm, the execution is fantastic. I wanted to share.
WARNING: THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. THEY SWEAR A LOT.
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| I got a job. At Kohl's.
I don't know how that seeing as last time I checked, they didn't hire "my kind." I mean, think about it... facial piericings (as in more than one!) and bleached out short blonde hair is not the clientele they usually subscribe to, but a job is a job, and I won't complain, ans I won't give them any reason to complain about me!
I am so so so happy about this. I feel like a change is finally going to come my way. AT LAST!
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| I was emptying out boxes in the basement, boxes that have not been opened in many many years. For me, some of the boxes I had packed up when I graduated high school. Notebooks lined with cryptic notes, doodles, song lyrics, and poorly written poems to God have provided hours of nostalgic entertainment. It is hard for me to part with these things now as they just opened a time portal. Like a time capsule, most of it has been completely untouched. And while i was sorting and shifting through the crap, such as my high school backpack that still had 3 empty tic tac containers, I was struck by the fact that if anyone wanted to know me, this would be an ideal way to look into the days that shaped me. The notes in the margins define my heart in a way I can never explain.
And I suddenly began to wish I had someone to share the thoughts and dreams of yesteryear with.
As that thought settled in, I quickly moved on to more common thought processes, and in doing so I started complaining to my brother about my lame lack of romance. Luckily He has brought to my attention what the problem is.
me: (whining) Why? why? why don't boys like me??
daniel: (leans in and whispers) Because... you don't like meat.
So there you have it. If only I ate meat, I could be sharing these tender moments with Prince Charming. I mean, seriously a bit of hamburger, a bit of man enjoying the algebra, monty python quotes and prayer request scattered across the same page in my 11th grade notebook. Oh if only, if only i had known.
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